0:24 I used to think I was just,
0:26 tired.
0:29 Not, have a nap
0:31 kind of tired.
0:34 It was a tired that would
0:36 seep into your bones and stay.
0:39 I would tell myself,
0:41 work harder.
0:42 Just work harder.
0:44 Love deeper.
0:46 Just stay calm.
0:51 Because it will settle.
0:59 They often say,
1:01 “you’re amazing, don’t know how you do it.”
1:04 And I’ll just,
1:05 smile.
1:06 Because it’s what they expect.
1:09 But the truth is,
1:12 I’ve been angry.
1:15 Why does it have to be like this?
1:18 Every single time I ask for help,
1:20 I am made to quantify my child’s struggle.
1:25 Never do they think to ask me how,
1:28 how funny or kind they are.
1:31 They even forget my name.
1:34 They forget my name but they’ll remember my reference number?
1:36 And yet, I feel ashamed.
1:40 Ashamed for even having these feelings.
1:45 It’s like the only thing that I’m allowed to be
1:52 is strong.
2:01 You didn’t ask for any of this.
2:09 But maybe it’s my fault.
2:12 Somehow.
2:36 I’m tired.
2:39 So tired.
2:42 I’m constantly bargaining with life.
2:45 If I’m calm, maybe today’s meeting will go smoother?
2:49 If I do everything perfectly, maybe next time,
2:54 I won’t have to beg?
2:55 Hi.
2:56 You okay?
2:58 No one sees the 3am panic,
3:00 wondering what’s happening to them when I’m not there.
3:04 No one sees the dark waters that I’m treading in.
3:09 But sometimes I sink.
3:11 Quietly.
3:14 Disappearing.
3:17 Would anyone even notice
3:19 if I drown?
3:46 Some nights,
3:49 I thought about ending it.
3:53 Figured out how.
3:56 Wouldn’t it be easier to just,
3:59 let go?
4:01 To close my eyes and just,
4:03 fall into nothing?
4:08 No!
4:10 I can’t go.
4:12 Because I know you like no one else does.
4:17 Because you need me.
4:19 Because,
4:21 because I promised.
4:30 And that same love,
4:33 brings about the greatest fear.
4:38 That I’ll go first.
4:41 Who will remember what, what soothes you?
4:45 What overwhelms you?
4:46 What,
4:47 what makes you laugh?
4:49 [child laughing]
4:52 Who will fight for you if I’m not around?
4:56 So I plan.
4:58 I leave notes that no one will ever ask for.
5:02 Because loving you
5:04 means preparing
5:07 for a time I’ll never see.
5:29 I already grieve.
5:31 Not for my child,
5:33 but for the life that we might of had.
5:36 For the me lost along the way.
5:40 But even in my darkest moments,
5:42 I come back to love.
5:45 You are not the source of my pain.
5:48 You are the reason I fight through dark waters
5:50 to rise and to catch my breath.
5:54 I’m not saying this for pity,
5:56 praise.
5:57 I don’t want to be called strong.
6:01 I just want the world to listen.
6:13 I.
6:18 We don’t need you to pity us.
6:21 We need you to believe us.
6:24 Help us.
6:30 All we ask is,
6:33 when we say we’re drowning,
6:36 don’t study the tide.
6:44 Just throw the damn lifeboat.
